Enough With The Brooding, Already!
by Sol en la Noche
Summary: A humorous fic about a beta reader who has had enough with plots that don’t make any sense, especially the ones with all the brooding…
1. Enough!

Disclaimer: I love you J. K. Rowling! Don't sue me or steal my underwear! I haven't stolen your characters, merely borrowed them for an undeterminable amount of time. He he he

So here we go

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_He looked out at the lake from the Astronomy Tower and watched her with her beau jealously. Unkowning of their dark stalker, Hermione and Ron shared a kiss, one filled with the innocence and exuberance of youthful love. He closed his eyes and turned away quickly as if he could shut the image out of his head or imagine it was his lips that sweetly lingered on hers instead of that dimwitted creature. But he knew that she could never love a greasy bat like himself, that he would be forever regulated to the coldness of his dungeon and shower._

"Hey, you spelled unknowing wrong in chapter six and you have just really screwed over this one sentence grammatically."

"Shut it, I'm in the middle of describing Severus brood in chap eight. I'm trying to put myself in the moment."

The Anonymous Harry Potter Fanfic writer's Beta rolled her eyes half in amusement and half in annoyance. Men just don't brood as much as these Severus/Hermione fans make them out to, in fact men just don't have that much active thought capability. Sure, they stare, but in reality there's just not much going on up in the upper room. It's just staring… and sometimes drooling.

This Beta had serious doubts that Severus, even as smart as he was, probably wasn't much different than most men. Especially if he was lusting after a 17-year-old. But she wasn't going to break that to the Anonymous Harry Potter fanfic writer so she continued to review her current story.

_Only a few feet away from the lovelorn Potions master, Harry and Draco Malfoy were snuggled close under the confines of Harry's invisibility cloak._

"_Oh Harry, I've missed you. It's been too long since we last saw each other." _

_Harry pulled Draco closer. "I know, my love. If only your father weren't a Deatheater."_

"_Yes, and if you only weren't The-Boy-Who-Lived we could be together without having to guise our relationship with hate and prejudice."_

"Um, I have a quick question. How come Harry and Draco are having an involved conversation 'only a few feet away from the lovelorn Potions Master' and yet he can't hear them?

The Anonymous Harry Potter Fanfic writer looked up shocked and angry that her Beta had brought her out of her angsty concentration yet again. " He's brooding! Sevie isn't aware of the world around him when he broods about Hermione!"

"Ri-ight."

"Ok, so no more questions, I'm working on the brooding!"

"Um, I have another quick question… then you can go back to the brooding. Why are Harry and Draco gay?"

"Don't you think they're just perfect for each other!" The Anonymous Harry Potter fanfic writer squealed with glee, her eyes shone with an expectant gleam that her Beta would agree with her idiotic assumption over the homoerotic destiny she had planned for Harry and Pookie.

"Um… No. I just don't get it. Harry has pined over several females during the series and I just don't think he's gay. Plus he and Draco hate each other, Harry might want to hex his ass, but I don't think he wants Draco's ass. Why would you choose to have them pursue a relationship?"

"'Cause they're so CUTE!"

The Beta signed with exhaustion, "Honey, not every cute guy is gay. If they were I would just buy twenty-seven cats and give up now."

"Listen, it's my fic not yours, you just have to beta it for me, okay?"

"You're right. I'm going back to reading it now"

She turned back to the computer screen to continue to peruse the Anonymous Harry Potter fanfic writer's piece; she was just going to skip the Harry/Draco scene. You can't polish crap.

_Hermione turned away from Ron. Sure she liked him and everything, but she kept thinking of Professor Snape every time she was with Ron. Ron was cute, but he didn't have the undeniable attractiveness or angst that Professor Snape possessed. His dark features and maturity called to her and she knew that deep in her soul she really loved her potions teacher._

_Ron could not enjoy his sweet kiss with Hermione either. He kept thinking about Luna Lovegood. The way she collected bottle caps make her appear lovely and irresistible to him._

The Beta began to massage her temple, nothing was making any sense. She began to regret choosing Creative Writing as her major; she didn't think she could take any more "creative" writing for much longer. If only she had been a theatre major, she could have been able to put up with any crap somebody threw at her as art. However, she decided to keep reading and repeated the mantra "this is not my fic, this is not my fic" over and over again in her head.

_Severus had had enough of Ron and Hermione's little tawdry display. He was going to storm down and rip Ron from her arms and make Hermione his forever! OH! But if only he weren't a Deatheater. She would never love him as his past was too dark and rife with sin. Sadly he leaned on wall of the Astronomy tower deflated with despair and angst. He began to brood…_

"THAT'S IT! I can't take the brooding!"

The Beta reader growled with frustration and beat her head against the monitor.

"What's wrong? The brooding is the most important part of Severus's character."

"It's not just the brooding, your plot doesn't make any sense. I'm not even sure you have a plot. You're just making random nonsensical relationships between the characters!"

The anonymous Harry Potter fanfic writer was aghast, "They are not random! Severus and Hermione are perfect for each other."

"How?"

"They're both smart! And-"

"Professor McGonagall is clever and intelligent also, but Hermione and she aren't have any lesbian angst! Just admit it, it doesn't make any sense."

"They could be attracted to each other!" The Anonymous Harry Potter fanfic writer defended.

"How? He's FORTY-something and she's a student. If there's potential attraction, then he's a pedophile and she's desperate!"

"That's not true-"

"Yes it is, and none of your other pairing make any sense either. Harry and Draco are not homosexuals, nothing against that sexuality mind you, and Ron and Luna aren't –"

"Ron and Luna are soul mates!" The Anonymous Harry Potter fanfic writer defied passionately.

"SHE'S INSANE! No normal 17year-old boy wants to shag someone who collects bottle caps. It's not sexy. It's not attractive. Just admit it, your fic doesn't have a plot and is just a sci-fi harlequin romance gone bad. It's terrible."

"I already have 500 reviews."

The Beta hung her head in defeat. Maybe that's all fanfic readers wanted: Gay, absurd crap.

"Fine, I'm going to finish going over your story and then I need you to beta mine. It's new." The Beta said as she ventured her eyes agonizingly back over to the computer screen which held the offending fanfic.

"Oh good, what's it about?" "The anonymous Harry Potter fanfic writer asked as she went back to her brooding.

"It's a torrid romance between Mad-Eye Moody and Professor McGonagall."

"Hm, sounds good."

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Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed it my little ditty! Please leave a review in the box ( or a twenty).

Thank you again!

-Sol en la Noche


	2. The Aforementioned Abyss

Disclaimer: All characters and possibly one-quarter of the world belong to J.K. Rowling. I haven't stolen the characters, merely borrowed them for an undeterminable amount of time.

* * *

Septimus Snape stumbled out of the swirling abyss and into the present, you know the one where Harry Potter is in his seventh year at Hogwarts and where we completely ignore any authorial intent.

The aforementioned swirling abyss slings him into Harry Potter's beloved best friend Hermione Granger, knocking them both unconscious.

Much later, (listen, we really don't have time for frivolities, we got to get to the drama!) Septimus wakes with quite a bump on his head. He rubs it groggily and considers carefully the aforementioned swirling abyss. He, being the brightest student Hogwarts has seen in the 21st century, wondered vaguely why he had been knocked into a swirling abyss and where he was at this moment.

His thoughts were thoroughly shaken when he turned over to see his own mother sitting right next to him. "Mother!" He cries, but realizes his mistake too late as the entire staff of Hogwarts as well as the rest of the Golden trio is standing in the infirmary, because they have nothing better to do than, like, say grading paper or generally keeping order in the school.

Panicked the boy jumps from the bed, only to be manhandled by Dumbledore, brought back to life through restorative and prophylactic lemon drops.

"Now, now ma' boy. There's no need to panic, just because you might have possibly ruined your chance for existence."

His heart thumped, his pupils dilated, and the he made the best possible decision he could at that moment of agonizing distress of his possible inexistence; he jumped from his seat, robes billowing, and scowled in such a way that everyone instantly knew that he could only be a SNAPE.

The staff gasped a united gasp; however it took about thirty-two seconds before the ramifications of such a discovery revealed itself to the male counterparts of the Golden Trio. Appropriately late, Harry Potter wailed and Ronald Weasley turned a beautiful shade of green.

Severus Snape just glared.

And Hermione, the boy bearer that she was, just harrumphed "not again!"

Recognizing the looks broadcasting from everyone's faces Septimus instantly tried to recover from the erroneous revelation of his gene pool.

"No, ah, Dad's not, uh I mean… Hi, my name is Septimus Diddlywinkybits…"

Amongst the huffing, puffing, whining, glaring, and otherwise useless attitudes from everyone in the room, only Hermione remained calm. She watched as Septimus' face grew red from embarrassment and possible fear of inexistence.

"Oh everyone just stop!" She cried, clutching her bedclothes in a most uppity manner.

"Honestly, there's nothing to be suspired or upset over. Of course Severus and I are going to be together. We have already! Doesn't anyone remember when I was sent back in time?"

Heads began to nod.

"And the marriage law last year?"

More heads nodded and Ron whimpered a little.

"Or when I was made an Assistant Charms professor and put on equal terms with Severus so we could get to know each other?"

Feet shuffled and Septimus looked confused.

"And don't forget my apprenticeship with the adjoining room to Severus' rooms!"

At this point Severus spoke up, "Yes_, they_ seem so enamored with us that I'm surprised I haven't raped Hermione at a Dark Revel to save her life only to find her pregnant."

"Hey!" Harry interrupted, "I already beat Voldemort!"

"Like that matters to _them_" Severus said darkly.

Hermione shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Who are they?" Septimus asked.

"That's not important. The real problem is why they sent you back, when we've already consummated 'our love.' The brooding is over. There has to be a problem here. We're at the end of the bloody story!"

"I think I know" piped in Hermione. She pointed to the back of the room where Mad-Eye Moody and Professor McGonagall were in a heated tongue wrestling session. The Aforementioned swirling abyss was behind them.

"Ah, that explains it." Severus intoned, "Let me take care of this." With a flourish of his wand and a swirl of his cape Severus commanded to the heavens "NOOOOOOOOOOOO! HERMIONE! I LOVE YOU!"

The Anonymous Fan Fiction Writer appeared.

OH, SEVIE! YOU KNOW I LOVE IT WHEN YOU BROOD LIKE THAT. BUT WE'RE NOT IN THAT PART OF THE STORY, DEAR.

"Yeah, I know. What's going on here?"

OH, I WAS JUST GETTING INTO A NEW PLOT LINE. ISN'T SEPTIMUS A CUTIE?

"I meant what is going on with Alaster and Minerva?"

The Anonymous Fan Fiction Writer peered behind the crowd that had gathered in the infirmary to gaze at the old and odd couple.

THAT'S NOT RIGHT. HOLD ON. BETA!

At this point, somewhere in the imaginary space where the Fan fiction writers and the Fan fiction characters are speaking the Anonymous Fan Fiction Writer's Beta appears.

WHAT?

WHAT KIND OF MONKEY BUSINESS IS GOING ON HERE?

IT'S A TORRID AFFAIR BETWEEN MAD-EYE AND MINERVA. THEY ARE THE CUTEST!

YOU'RE CREATING AFOREMENTIONED SWIRLING ABYSSES ALL OVER MY STORY!

HEY! I WAS JUST POLISHING YOUR CRAP!

WHAT ABOUT MY CREATIVE LISENCE?

WHAT LICENSE? YOU AREN'T EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE!

IT'S MY STORY, YOU ARE JUST BETAING IT!

I'M SORRY! IT'S JUST THAT AFTER READING ALL THIS NONSENSE WITH BROODING AND MARRIAGE LAWS AND TIME TRAVEL AND JUST EVERYTHING I NEEDED A CHANGE!

(Blah Blah Blah, we're skipping the emotional reconciliation, drama is much more fun)

I'M SORRY TOO!

"Fine, fine. Now what are we going to do about them and him" Severus pointed to the unmentionables in the back of the room and Septimus.

OH, ALRIGHT. WE'LL PUT HIM BACK AND GET RID OF MOODY AND PROFESSOR MCGONAGAL.

OH…

IT'S ALRIGHT HON, I TELL YOU WHAT. HOWA BOUT WE GET HERMIONE PREGNANT? YEAH, WILL THAT MAKE YOU FELL BETTER?

YEAH, (sniff) BUT ONLY IF IT'S TWINS.

OKAY.

The Anonymous Fan fiction Writer patted her beta on the back as they sent a very perplexed Septimus and a very "busy" Moody and McGonagall through the swirling abyss.

Just as the writers were leaving, Madame Pomfrey rushed in.

"Hermione, dear, you'll never believe this, but you're pregnant! With twins!"

Hermione struggled to act surprised, but Harry and Ron, who had just mysteriously forgotten the aforementioned swirling abyss and the events theretofore, sputtered and fainted.

Severus just scowled.

* * *

Gracias,

Sol en la Noche


End file.
